A Cyclophobias guide to Cycling

I have my best ideas on the toilet or shower. Anyone who doesn't is just plain weird.

1: Clothing; you will look stupid. Unless your willing to go out and buy professional kit, which is a complete waste money because then you'll be terrible but look like you should be good. Not a good idea.
2: Race Days; find any local ones near you. Not so you can enter though, woah nelly we're not ready for that yet. The main reason is to avoid them. Theres nothing worse than struggling up a hill only to be passed by a bunch or pricks whose bikes are mere nano metres thick and whose helmets can really only be described as "insert derogatory insult here cause I'm too lazy to think of one"
3: Suncream; don't make me embed the Baz Lurrman song again, because i will. Honestly being sun burnt everywhere except between your knees and your elbows and the part of your face shaded by the helmet.
4: Sunglasses; For the love of god wear them, every fucking time i go cycling a bug thinks "hmmm that looks like a nice warm eye, i could raise a family there."
Trying to cycle half blind is not a recipe for success (which incidentally if anyone has a actual recipe for success, ill take it off your hands)
5: For the men; If your groinal region appears to have grown older by 20 years and shrunk, its normal, don't panic and definitely don't try get it back to normal by heating it up, trust me!

Incidentally as one final piece of advice, if after a night out, for some unimportant reason, your nipples are strangely sore, do not put tape over them to reduce friction, it doesn't help, it makes things worse and there are easier ways to scream like a girl, though all of them are painful

Thank you and Good night.